CROSSING THRESHOLDS

 

Have you ever reached a threshold and thought to yourself, “Lemme just play it safe and quit while I’m ahead?

I remember my trek up Black Butte in Mt. Shasta, a 6,000 ft volcano, on the Summer Solstice of 2010. (All photos taken on this actual day in 2010).  With a late start of 5pm, we didn’t have time to lose before the sun would set and we would be hiking in the dark. A part of me wanted to do the hike another day when we would be able to get an earlier start but the adventurous side in me won out.

About an hour and a half into the hike, I was out of breath and asked to sit down and rest. (Which btw led to an instantaneous healing of my menstrual cycle which had been irregular since my very first period!)

We were probably just over halfway up the mountain and my mind was starting to think a view from 3,000 feet above was good enough for me. It’s more than I would’ve gone if I didn’t have my friend with me. We already had a lovely view of the sunrise, it’s already been a full day, and I’ve had enough. My friend told me I could stay there and wait for him but he was going up to the top. Craaaaaap…..uuuugggghhhh what to do……sheesh….three deep breaths and away I went.

As we got to the top, we saw a platform that appeared to be some sort of remnant of a lookout point. But in order to get to the platform, you had to cross this fairly narrow path which had quite a nice drop on both sides of the path.

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Ohhhhhhhh craaaaaap, another threshold! I froze in fear. (Anybody scared of heights?) I was paralyzed for what seemed like an eternity. My ego was very happy to have made it to the top. It was just fine where I was at. It wanted me to stay put.

But then the greater part of mySelf who knows no fear, only the present moment, took the driver’s seat. I focused on my friend on the platform (where I was headed aka what I desired) versus looking down either side (where I didn’t wanna go aka what I didn’t want) and I soon found myself on the platform! Hurray!!!! I did it!!! Wheeeeeeee!!! Look at that view!!!!!!

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Getting to the other side of fear is exhilarating! But one must keep stepping through the flames of discomfort, limiting beliefs, resistance, and excuses to get to the other side.

So when I came up to another threshold with the expansion of this year’s retreat from one session to two, I knew that I could either play it safe and keep just one session and be good with that; or I could expand out of my comfort zone & build my character which will give me more confidence, courage, a sense of empowerment, and a feeling of aliveness. It would require me to be and do things out of my comfort zone. It would require me to put myself out there in a bigger way ~ a huuuuuuge fear considering I’ve had many past lives being burned at the stake and a part of me would like to stay incognito. It would require me to step up as a leader. (Can’t I just be a follower?!) It would mean the death of parts of my old self that have been holding me back. Craaaaaaaap….here we go again. Yaaaaaaaaaayy, here we go again!!!!! Excitement and fear are the two sides of the same coin. And guess what, it doesn’t matter if I “fail”, it’s the journey in getting there that’s the exhilarating part.

So now I get to focus on what I want (filling both retreats) instead of contracting and staying in fear of what I don’t want (going into the red).

Plus, with my own personal expansion, I will be able to hold space for even more expansion of the women coming to the retreat. That’s how it works. I cannot hold the container of self empowerment without me first expanding. Ohhhhhhh myyyyyyy, this is going to be one powerful retreat!!! (Or two rather. Ha!)

There are now spots available in each session for my annual women’s retreat. (July 5-8th and July 9-12th). If Mama Shasta has been calling you, check in with yourself and see if it’s time for you to expand out of your comfort zone. The feeling of exhilaration is just on the other side of your comfort zone. Come on ~ take the leap and let’s journey together! Wheeeeeeee!!!

Click on the link below for the soft itinerary and to make your deposit.
www.kanikido.com

Or send me a private message if you’re on the fence and I’d be happy to support you to your empowered YES or NO. You’ll leave the conversation feeling good about yourSelf for having spoken your truth and made a decision based on YOUR needs/desires and not my own.

Here’s to living the life you love and loving the life you live!!

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THE EXHILARATION OF STEPPING THROUGH FEAR!

Although I intellectually know that fear is an illusion (False Evidence Appearing Real), tell that to my ego!  Oh, my critical mind has quite the intimate relationship with fear.

On Friday I received an email asking if I’d be willing to speak for a few minutes at a women’s summit about the value I’ve received being in women’s circles and I immediately said, “YES!!”   Oh wow, this is the moment I’ve been waiting for!  I get to be on stage as mySelf, sharing about my experience  Not the actor Kani who gets to put on a costume and be someone else.  Not the dancer Kani who gets to self express without saying a word.  No, this Kani….the aspiring Speaker Kani, speaking as myself!!!

Then the fear kicks in………..……silence……………….heart constricting, body slumping, eyes getting bigger and bigger, shallow breathing …………………….

Ohhhhhhhhhh crap………what did I get myself into?!  What am I going to say?  What is my story?  I don’t have a story!!!  OMG, what if I get up there and I freeze?  Oh good golly, how can I be authentic when I’ve received more in-the-trenches support from my male friends than women?!?   I don’t have anything important or interesting to say.  That was a stupid thing to do ~ why would you wanna put yourself out there like that and be all naked and vulnerable?  I’m not qualified to be up there because I haven’t gone through transformation like the others, I haven’t come out the other end of transformation like the others have, blah blah blah blah blah blah!!!!!

Damn ~ Doubt had taken over again.  Doubt thinks it’s the most powerful thing in the world!  Doubt is incredibly proud of its ability to keep Kani small and “safe”.  Doubt ruffles its feathers and struts around like its the King of the World.

Luckily, I have an amazing friend/colleague who I can voice dialogue with and allow all the parts of my Selves to be heard.  Through the process, I got to see that I still have unhealed wounds around being ambushed by a bunch of girls in Jr. High and hence not fully allowing myself to trust women since.  Gotta love that multi-layered onion!

I also got to face a core imprinting that I’ve been holding on to for such a long time.  The story I’ve been holding onto is that “I have no voice.  I’m not supposed to speak.  It’s not safe to speak out.”   Besides the typical “witch burned at the stake” lifetimes, I’ve also had many of lifetimes where I was tortured, mutilated, and killed for speaking out.

Yes, of course, that was lifetimes ago but there’s still some unhealed trauma in my dna.  Add to that a physically and emotionally abusive father in this lifetime who never let me speak and two sisters who would tell me to shut up and not rock the boat, you can see how I was coming up against resistance as if my life were in danger!!!!  RED ALERT, RED ALERT!!!

What might seem like a little, insignificant thing to one person can seem like a life-or-death situation to another.   Have you ever heard the idea that the thing you fear/resist the most is perhaps the thing that will set you free?  Well, I’ve known in my heart for a long time now that my greatest healing in this lifetime is to take back my voice.  To rise up and be heard.  To speak my truth.  To speak the universal truths even if that means balking the status quo.

Well, Universe was loving enough to give me a taste of what it would be like to take my voice back in a safe environment as I got to stand on that stage yesterday in front of a hundred women and share my story.  (I do have a story!)   And guess what?  It wasn’t so bad after all!!!  And guess what?  I can no longer say I have no voice or that it’s not safe to speak or that no one wants to hear what I have to say because I’ve gained evidence otherwise.   Thank you Universe!!  And while I’m still in this expanded space, I’m requesting more opportunities to speak up and out to reinforce the new beliefs I’m creating about it being safe to speak.

The little kid in me wants to tell anyone who’s coming up against a fear and stuck at that terror barrier, “Come on in, the water’s fine!”  I am even more jazzed up about supporting others in breaking through their fears than ever before!!   The more we can step through our fears, the freer we will be!   If you’re wanting support in a nonthreatening, playful way let’s come up with a way to bust through your non supportive beliefs.  Click here to sign up for a complimentary breakthrough session or for my contact info to contact me directly.

Here’s to freedom!!!

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