Although I intellectually know that fear is an illusion (False Evidence Appearing Real), tell that to my ego! Oh, my critical mind has quite the intimate relationship with fear.
On Friday I received an email asking if I’d be willing to speak for a few minutes at a women’s summit about the value I’ve received being in women’s circles and I immediately said, “YES!!” Oh wow, this is the moment I’ve been waiting for! I get to be on stage as mySelf, sharing about my experience Not the actor Kani who gets to put on a costume and be someone else. Not the dancer Kani who gets to self express without saying a word. No, this Kani….the aspiring Speaker Kani, speaking as myself!!!
Then the fear kicks in………..……silence……………….heart constricting, body slumping, eyes getting bigger and bigger, shallow breathing …………………….
Ohhhhhhhhhh crap………what did I get myself into?! What am I going to say? What is my story? I don’t have a story!!! OMG, what if I get up there and I freeze? Oh good golly, how can I be authentic when I’ve received more in-the-trenches support from my male friends than women?!? I don’t have anything important or interesting to say. That was a stupid thing to do ~ why would you wanna put yourself out there like that and be all naked and vulnerable? I’m not qualified to be up there because I haven’t gone through transformation like the others, I haven’t come out the other end of transformation like the others have, blah blah blah blah blah blah!!!!!
Damn ~ Doubt had taken over again. Doubt thinks it’s the most powerful thing in the world! Doubt is incredibly proud of its ability to keep Kani small and “safe”. Doubt ruffles its feathers and struts around like its the King of the World.
Luckily, I have an amazing friend/colleague who I can voice dialogue with and allow all the parts of my Selves to be heard. Through the process, I got to see that I still have unhealed wounds around being ambushed by a bunch of girls in Jr. High and hence not fully allowing myself to trust women since. Gotta love that multi-layered onion!
I also got to face a core imprinting that I’ve been holding on to for such a long time. The story I’ve been holding onto is that “I have no voice. I’m not supposed to speak. It’s not safe to speak out.” Besides the typical “witch burned at the stake” lifetimes, I’ve also had many of lifetimes where I was tortured, mutilated, and killed for speaking out.
Yes, of course, that was lifetimes ago but there’s still some unhealed trauma in my dna. Add to that a physically and emotionally abusive father in this lifetime who never let me speak and two sisters who would tell me to shut up and not rock the boat, you can see how I was coming up against resistance as if my life were in danger!!!! RED ALERT, RED ALERT!!!
What might seem like a little, insignificant thing to one person can seem like a life-or-death situation to another. Have you ever heard the idea that the thing you fear/resist the most is perhaps the thing that will set you free? Well, I’ve known in my heart for a long time now that my greatest healing in this lifetime is to take back my voice. To rise up and be heard. To speak my truth. To speak the universal truths even if that means balking the status quo.
Well, Universe was loving enough to give me a taste of what it would be like to take my voice back in a safe environment as I got to stand on that stage yesterday in front of a hundred women and share my story. (I do have a story!) And guess what? It wasn’t so bad after all!!! And guess what? I can no longer say I have no voice or that it’s not safe to speak or that no one wants to hear what I have to say because I’ve gained evidence otherwise. Thank you Universe!! And while I’m still in this expanded space, I’m requesting more opportunities to speak up and out to reinforce the new beliefs I’m creating about it being safe to speak.
The little kid in me wants to tell anyone who’s coming up against a fear and stuck at that terror barrier, “Come on in, the water’s fine!” I am even more jazzed up about supporting others in breaking through their fears than ever before!! The more we can step through our fears, the freer we will be! If you’re wanting support in a nonthreatening, playful way let’s come up with a way to bust through your non supportive beliefs. Click here to sign up for a complimentary breakthrough session or for my contact info to contact me directly.
Here’s to freedom!!!
Conscious Living 